I have to apologize for being completely MIA. The cloud is finally starting to lift today, but for the past week or so, I have been actively fighting off the demons of depression, and that has taken up much of my energy.
I am not sure why I waited until now to post about this. True, I have barely had it in me to do anything, but one of my hopes when I started this blog was to be “real”, which includes discussing my struggles with mental illness. So many of us struggle with day-to-day activities because of depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, etc, and we are judged by society as being crazy, or lazy, or self obsessed; I wanted this to be a safe place for everyone to come and talk and not feel judged, but how can I accomplish this if I don’t stand up and say, “I am having a hard time”?
Work is a major stressor in my life. It isn’t a hard job by any means, but I am in an environment where I have to tiptoe on eggshells. (I take everything even more personally when I am in a place of despair, so that just adds to the fun.) The big question you are probably asking is one I already ask myself daily – why don’t I find a new job? I have thought about this quite a bit, and what it comes down to is that I could leave here and get another office job, but I’d probably be just as miserable; the key is to get a job that coincides with my future goals, and that is bloody difficult to find.
Winter and the upcoming holiday season are also major bummers for me. It is snowy, cold, dark, and dangerous and the days are endless. As I’ve mentioned before, the holidays mean nothing but stress, money (or lack thereof), and having to be way too social, something that exhausts the introvert in me.
Yesterday, my therapist and I talked about how I need to find a place of peace; it’s the only way I will survive the despair of my job and the insane anxiety surrounding school. But I am just not sure how to locate that peace. Meditation doesn’t seem to work – I manage about three minutes before my brain starts wandering. Exercise – don’t make my fat ass laugh. Writing used to be my escape, but I feel more like a failure lately in that arena. I have no room or quiet to just…be. Everyone talks and makes noise constantly. I think that is the key to peace for me – to have a silent spot that is my very own.
If you are in the same boat as I am, and it seems like there’s no hope, I will say to you what one of my heroes said to her readers: “depression lies”. This has been my mantra as I grasp onto reality with a few fingers, trying not to let go and slip through the veil of complete darkness. Our mental illness is part of us, but it is not all of us. The demons are not telling us the truth.
You are loved.
You are worth it.
We all are.