Learn your lessons well, Part Two

Part two of 40 Lessons Before 40. (To see 1-10 and find out what the hell I’m talking about, click here. Yes, right here. Well, not here. Click the link.)

Fuck politeness. This comes from one of my favorite podcasts, My Favorite Murder. And I adore it. If your gut tells you something is off, for the love of all things holy and unholy, listen to it. Being polite is a one way ticket to Murderville, population—nice people. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings if they’re sending a creep vibe; just get the fuck out. Apologize later if you want, from the safety of your own home.

The bigger the truck, the smaller the penis. This also stands true for “the louder the car”. You are not cool.

Everyone can be a hero, and everyone can be a villain. To quote Sirius Black, “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” Let’s stick with Harry Potter for a moment and explore a tad more. Dumbledore is one of the main heroes of the series, but he is also kind of a jerk. He manipulates Harry and his friends and is willing to risk their lives, he is selfish (remember when he asks Snape, “what’s in it for me”), and he clearly showed favoritism to Gryffindor (okay, maybe this one isn’t evil per se, but it pisses me off). Snape, on the other hand, is a villain. He’s cruel and unfair. But he also protected Harry throughout the series because of love, and put himself in danger, eventually being killed (spoiler alert) for the greater good. We all have two faces, and it’s up to us to decide which is dominant.

I am a bitch. I am judgmental and crass. Where’s the lesson here? It is that I don’t care. If people want to call me a bitch, then that’s great; I wear the badge with pride. It’s who I am and I don’t plan on changing because someone is unhappy with it.

AC/DC sucks. Okay, I know I will catch flack for this one. But Jesus, it’s just a bunch of screaming.

Love and sex are two very different things. As a society, we tend to lump these two things together—I had sex with someone, so I have to love them/I’m in love with someone, so I need to sleep with them. Ooooor…you can just fuck for fuck’s sake, no commitment. And you can be completely, soul-crushingly intimate with someone, and never end up in the throes of passion. Just remember—love and sex are not synonyms.

Always be nice to receptionists, cashiers, and waiters. Dealing with people all day sucks. It isn’t their fault that the doctor is running late, your toilet paper rang up the wrong price, or your dinner had peas when you asked for no peas. Don’t be a dick; treat them like you’d want to be treated. (Maybe even make them laugh. Believe me, they’re having a bad day. I know from experience—every day is a bad day in a job like that.)

If you buy Halloween candy early, do not open it. She says as she shoves another mini Snickers down her gullet.

No one needs more than one gun. With the very recent shooting in Las Vegas, this is a real hot button issue. I am all for the right to own a gun, assuming you know how to actually use it (and you’re sane), but unless you’re Clint-friggin-Eastwood, there is no need for you to own more than one. If you are protecting your home, you’ll need both hands to shoot one firearm, so what are the others for—decoration?

Don’t pay attention to the size tag. This one is still very hard for me. Though it isn’t as often, I still make the decision not to buy something simply because of what the tag says. Why? I’m fat; I know that. So why do I put back that dope shirt or those awesome jeans because of what some joker decides is “my size”? Is anyone actually going to see that tag? I know I am not the only one who does this though, so I say to you: you are beautiful—buy those jeans and be friggin fierce.

And there you have it, lessons #11-20. Stay tuned for the next ten!


Snapchat thinks cucumbers belong over glasses. Who am I to argue?

PS: I love comments. Please let me know you are here!


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